my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
