This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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