Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
