The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
