I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
