I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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