I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
