im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
