Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
