i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
