Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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