I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
