So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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