I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
