just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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