He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
