moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
