I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
