i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
