i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Can vaginas get frostbite?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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