a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
