I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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