You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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