i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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