walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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