Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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