your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
