I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
