Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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