Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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