Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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