More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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