I want to make a zoo with you.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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