You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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