I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
