wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
