Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
