some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
