I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
