Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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