so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You should frame my arrest warrant.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
