the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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