Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
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