I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
