cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
