Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
