He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
