my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize