he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dignity is for republicans.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
