Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
