guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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