Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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