So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
