Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
