new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
