I accidentally had phone sex last night
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
