You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize