Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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