I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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