Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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