I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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