I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize