Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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