She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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