So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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