allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
