Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
