i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
