I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
